Six script
ACT ONE
#0 – Prelude (Instrumental)
(A harpsichord entertains the arrival of the public. In the piece that is interpreted you can recognize themes of the pop stars of the moment. This ‘medley’ evolves to the historical well-known song “Greensleves”, to give way to:)
#1 – Ex-Wives (All)
(An explosion makes the room darken. The curtain gets parted and six women appear amidst mist and a big flash of light. The flash turns off, and:)
ARAGON:
Divorced
BOLEYN:
BEHEADED
SEYMOUR:
DIED
CLEVES:
DIVORCED
HOWARD:
BEHEADED
PARR:
SURVIVED
ARAGON: And tonight, _________, we are…
ALL:
LIVE
ARAGON:
LISTEN UP, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
BOLEYN:
A STORY THAT YOU THINK YOU’VE HEARD BEFORE
SEYMOUR:
WE KNOW YOU KNOW OUR NAMES AND OUR FAME AND OUR FACES
CLEVES:
KNOW ALL ABOUT THE GLORIES AND THE DISGRACES
HOWARD:
I’M DONE ‘CAUSE ALL THIS TIME I’VE BEEN JUST ONE WORD IN A STUPID RHYME
PARR:
SO I PICKED UP A PEN AND A MICROPHONE
ALL:
HISTORY’S ABOUT TO GET OVERTHROWN
ARAGON:
DIVORCED
BOLEYN:
BEHEADED
SEYMOUR:
DIED
CLEVES:
DIVORCED
HOWARD:
BEHEADED
PARR:
SURVIVED
ALL:
BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT
WE’RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED… LIVE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTO-REMIX
SWITCHING UP THE FLOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
RAISING UP THE ROOF ‘TIL WE HIT THE CEILING
GET READY FOR THE TRUTH THAT WE’LL BE REVEALING
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES
ARAGON: _________, make some noise!
ARAGON:
ALL YOU EVER HEAR AND READ ABOUT
BOLEYN:
IS OUR EX AND THE WAY IT ENDED
SEYMOUR:
BUT A PAIR DOESN’T BEAT A ROYAL FLUSH
CLEVES:
YOU’RE GONNA FIND OUT HOW HE GOT UNFRIENDED
HOWARD:
TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA DO OURSELVES JUSTICE
‘CAUSE WE’RE TAKING YOU TO COURT
PARR:
EV’RY TUDOR ROSE HAS ITS THORNS
AND WE’RE GONNA HEAR ‘EM LIVE IN CONSORT
ARAGON:
DIVORCED
BOLEYN:
BEHEADED
SEYMOUR:
DIED
CLEVES:
DIVORCED
HOWARD:
BEHEADED
PARR:
SURVIVED
ALL:
BUT JUST FOR YOU TONIGHT
WE’RE DIVORCED, BEHEADED… LIVE!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTO-REMIX
SWITCHING UP THE FLOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
DANCING THROUGH THE NIGHT TILL THE BREAK OF DAY
ONCE WE’RE DONE WE’LL START AGAIN AS IT’S THE RENAISSANCE
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES
ARAGON: (alluringly) Remember us from your PBS?
OTHERS:
DIVORCED
ARAGON:
MY NAME’S CATH’RINE OF ARAGON,
WAS MARRIED TWENTY FOUR YEARS, I’M A PARAGON OF ROYALTY
MY LOYALTY IS TO THE VATICAN, SO IF YOU TRY TO DUMP ME…
YOU WON’T TRY THAT AGAIN
OTHERS:
BEHEADED
BOLEYN:
I’M THAT BOLEYN GIRL AND I’M UP NEXT
SEE, I BROKE ENGLAND FROM THE CHURCH… YEAH, I’M THAT SEXY
WHY DID I LOSE MY HEAD? WELL MY SLEEVES MAY BE GREEN
BUT MY LIPSTICK’S RED
OTHERS:
DIED
SEYMOUR:
JANE SEYMOUR, ‘THE ONLY ONE HE TRULY LOVED’
OTHERS:
RUDE
SEYMOUR:
WHEN MY SON WAS NEWLY BORN I DIED
BUT I’M NOT WHAT I SEEM, OR AM I?
STICK A ROUND AND YOU’LL SUDDENLY SEE MORE…
OTHERS:
DIVORCED
CLEVES:
ICH BIN ANNA OF CLEVES
OTHERS:
JA?
CLEVES:
WHEN HE SAW MY PORTRAIT, HE WAS LIKE
OTHERS:
“JA!”
CLEVES:
BUT I “DIDN’T LOOK AS GOOD AS I DID IN PIC”
FUNNY HOW WE ALL DISCUSS THAT BUT NEVER HENRY’S LITTLE PR…
HOWARD:
PRICK UP YOUR EARS, I’M THE KATH’RINE WHO LOST HER HEAD
OTHERS:
BEHEADED
HOWARD:
FOR MY PROMISCUITY OUTSIDE OF WED
(HOWARD)
LOCK UP YOUR HUSBANDS, LOCK UP YOUR SONS,
K HOWARD IS HERE AND THE FUN’S BEGUN
OTHERS:
SURVIVED
PARR:
FIVE DOWN, I’M THE FINAL WIFE
I SAW HIM TO THE END OF HIS LIFE
I’M THE SURVIVOR CATH’RINE PARR
I BET YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THIS FAR
I SAID, I BET YOU WANNA KNOW HOW WE GOT THIS FAR
ALL:
DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW WHE GOT THIS FAR? THEN
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO THE HISTO-REMIX
SWITCHING UP THE FLOW AS WE ADD THE PREFIX
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES
TURN THE BEAT UP GET THIS PARTY BUZZIN’
YOU WANT A QUEEN BEE? WELL, THERE’S HALF A DOZEN
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES…
BUT NOW WE’RE EX-WIVES
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE… SIX!
#1a – Ex-Wives Reprise (Instrumental)
CLEVES: _________, how are you doing tonight?
(audience reaction)
BOLEYN: We said, how are you doing tonight?
(audience reaction)
SEYMOUR: We are…
ALL:
SIX
SEYMOUR: And welcome to our “Divorced, Beheaded, Live” tour!
(audience reaction)
HOWARD: _________, we’ve got a whole lot in store for you tonight.
ARAGON: That’s right Girl, we’ve got riffs to ruffle your ruffs! (ARAGON’s ad lib.)
PARR: Shimmies to shake up your chemise.
(They dance with Maria’s beat)
SEYMOUR: And a whole lotta history.
PARR: Or as we like to call it… HER story.
(They laugh)
ARAGON: So obviously you know who we are.
HOWARD: Please, no portraits.
ARAGON: But let’s give it up for our
LADIES IN WAITING!
BOLEYN:
WE’VE GOT MAGGIE ON THE GEE-TAR!
CLEVES:
WE’VE GOT BESSIE ON THE BASS!
PARR: And killing it on the keys we’ve got Joan!
ARAGON: And with beats so sick they’ll give you gout, it’s Maria on the drums!
CLEVES: So you came here to party with us old school.
SEYMOUR: Really, really old school (laughs at own joke, then:) But we’re not here to have fun.
ARAGON: Uh uh.
SEYMOUR: We’ve got a serious score to settle.
HOWARD: ‘Cause you see, _________, the problem is there’s–
ALL:
SIX
HOWARD: –of us and we know you’ve all got your favourite.
ARAGON: Yes, everyone wants to know who’s the most important wife.
CLEVES: And they’ve been arguing about it for centuries.
PARR: We’ve heard it all…
ARAGON: Who lasted longest is the strongest.
BOLEYN: The biggest sinner is obvs the winner.
SEYMOUR: Who had the son takes number one.
CLEVES: Who was most chase shall be first place.
HOWARD: The most inglorious is victorious.
PARR: The winning contestant was the most protestant.
ARAGON: But tonight we’re gonna answer your questions once and for all.
BOLEYIN: And… TELL YA WHATCHA WANT, WHATCHA REALLY REALLY WANT… to know…
SEYMOUR: That’s right. We’re here to help you figure out which of us is…
CLEVES: The Queen of the Castle.
SEYMOUR: The rose among the thorns.
HOWARD: The Thomas Cromwell among the royal ministers between 1532 and 1540.
ARAGON: But how in purgatory are they gonna choose their leading lady?
BOLEYIN: Well hold up. If this is gonna be a fair competition they’re gonna have to judge us by the one thing we have in common.
SEYMOUR: The Queen to take crown should be the one who had the biggest.
PARR: The firmest.
ARAGON: The fullest.
CLEVES: …load of BS to deal with from the man who put a ring on it.
HOWARD: So, _________, we’re gonna hold a little contest for you;
BOLEYN: And the rules are very simple.
PARR: The Queen who was dealt the worst hand.
SEYMOUR: The Queen with the most hardships to withstand.
CLEVES: The Queen for whom it didn’t really go as planed.
SEIS: Shall be the one to lead the band.
ARAGON: So what do you think _________, are you ready to choose your leading lady?
HOWARD: Oh, come on, we said ARE YOU READY?
ALL:
WELCOME TO THE SHOW TO THE CORONATION
WHO WILL TAKE THE CROWN, BE THE POP SENSATION?
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE
SIX WIVES
ARAGON: But there’s only one that you need to hear from tonight. _________, i’m about to win this competition. Maria – gimme a beat.
#2 – No Way (Aragon & Others)
ARAGON: Mm-hmm, muy bien. So, since the day I arrived in England, let’s jus say my faith has been tested on more than one occasion.
First thing’s first, I’m shipped over from Spain on the night of my sweet sixteenth to marry some prince called Arthur, and I’m like… okay.
Then Arthur dies, so naturally I’m imprisoned from seven years… really helped with the grieving process ya know. But still I’m like… okay.
But thank God, they rescued me just in time to marry Prince Henry – my dead husband’s brother.
Okay……so I’m thinking – bit weird, but if you’d seen him back in the summer of ’09, let me tell you he was… okay.
So seven years later we’re still trying fon an heir. And he’s trying really hard. And I’m like… okay.
Then he starts coming home late. “I was just with my ministers” But there’s lipstick on hismruff. And I’m like… okay.
Suddenly he wants to annul our marriage. Move some side-chick into my palace. And move me into a convent. Now, I don’t think I’d look that good in a wimple. So I’m like, “No Way”.
ARAGON:
YOU MUST AGREE THAT, BABY,
IN ALL THIS TIME I’VE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE.
I’VE NEVER LOST CONTROL
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I KNEW YOU LIED.
HAD MY GOLDEN RULE: GOTTA KEEP MY COOL,
YEAH, BABY.
OTHERS:
YOU KNOW SHE’S GOTTA KEEP IT COOL
ARAGON:
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE HAD YOUR FUN
RUNNING AROUNG WITH SOME
ALL:
PRETTY YOUNG THING
ARAGON:
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD ONE SON
WITH SOMEONE WHO DON’T OWN A
ALL:
WEDDING RING
ARAGON:
NO MATTER WHAT I HEARD,
I DIDN’T SAY A WORD,
NO, BABY.
OTHERS:
YOU KNOW SHE NEVER SAID A WORD
ARAGON:
I’VE PUT UP WITH YOUR
ALL:
SHH
ARAGON:
LIKE EV’RY SINGLE DAY
OTHERS:
WOAH, WOAH
ARAGON:
BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO
ALL:
SHH
ARAGON:
AND LISTEN WHEN I SAY
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
IF YOU THINK FOR A MOMENT
I’D GRANT YOU ANNULMENT, JUST HOLD UP, THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
NO WAY
NO WAY
THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
THERE’S NO WAY
SO YOU READ A BIBLE VERSE
THAT I’M CURSED ‘CAUSE I WAS YOUR BROTHER’S WIFE.
YOU SAY IT’S A PITY ‘CAUSE, QUOTING LEVITICUS
I’LL “END UP KIDDILESS” ALL MY LIFE.
WELL, DADDY, WEREN’T YOU THERE
WHEN I GAVE BIRTH TO MARY?
Oh, you don’t remember?
OTHERS:
DAUGHTERS ARE SO EASY TO FORGET
ARAGON:
YOU’RE JUST SO FULL OF
ALL:
SHH
ARAGON:
MUST THINK THAT I’M NAIVE
OTHERS:
WOAH, WOAH
ARAGON:
I WON’T BACK DOWN, WON’T
ALL:
SHH
ARAGON:
AND NO, I’LL NEVER LEAVE
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
IF YOU THOUGH IT’D BE FUNNY
TO SEND ME TO A NUNN’RY, HONEY, THERE’S
ALL:
NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
ARAGON:
THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
ARAGON:
THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
THERE’S NO WAY
Dance it out, girls! (Dance break, and:) Give it up for Maria on the drums!
YOU’VE GOT ME DOWN ON MY KNEES,
PLEASE TELL WHAT YOU THINK I’VE DONE WRONG.
BEEN HUMBLE, BEEN ROYAL,
I’VE TRIED TO SWALLOW MY PRIDE ALL ALONG.
IF YOU CAN JUST EXPLAIN
A SINGLE THING I’VE DONE TO CAUSE YOU PAIN,
I’LL GO… (beat) NO?
(ARAGON)
YOU’VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY
I’M NOT GOING AWAY
THERE’S NO WAY
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
YOU MADE ME YOUR WIFE
SO I’LL BE QUEEN ‘TIL THE END OF MY LIFE
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON (Ad lib.)
OTHERS:
NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
NO WAY
ARAGON:
THERE’S
ALL:
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA NA NA NO WAY
ARAGON:
THERE’S NO WAY!
ARAGON: So…
#2a – Donde Esta Mi Crown (Instrumental)
ARAGON: Clearly i had the most to deal with from the king. And I hit that high C so… Donde esta my crown… por favor?
HOWARD: Oh wait, hang on. Who was that other one?
ARAGON: I think you’re thinking of me.
SEYMOUR: No, there was definitely, like, a really important one.
ARAGON: Still me.
PARR: I think she overlapped with you.
CLEVES: No, yeah, the really famous and controversial one who people actually care about?
#2b – The One You’ve Been Waiting For (All except Boleyn)
SEYMOUR:
YEAH, YOU KNOW…
THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR
ALL:
THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR
HOWARD:
THE MYST’RY
CLEVES:
THE ONE WHO CHANGED HIST’RY
PARR/SEYMOUR:
MYST’RY
CLEVES/HOWARD/ARAGON:
THE ONE WHO CHANGED HIST’RY
PARR/SEYMOUR:
MYST’RY
ALL:
THE TEMPTRESS SSS
ARAGON:
THE ONE WITH THE PLAN
THE PLAN TO STEAL THE MAN
ALL:
ANN
PARR:
THE ONE WHO CHASED THE KING
SEYMOUR:
BUT PAID THE PRICE WITH THE SWORDS-MAN’S SWING
ALL:
WILL SHE BE THE ONE TO WIN?
ANN BOLEYN
ALL:
ANN BOLEYN!
BOLEYN: What? Oh, sorry! (Makes a gest to the band and:)
#3 – Don’t Lose Ur Head (Boleyn and Others)
BOLEYN:
GREW UP IN THE FRENCH COURT
OUI, OUI, BONJOUR. LIFE WAS A CHORE SO
OTHERS:
SHE SET SAIL.
BOLEYN:
FIFTEEN TWENTY TWO CAME STRAIGHT TO THE U.K.
ALL THE BRITISH DUDES, LAME.
OTHERS:
EPIC FAIL.
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
I WANNA DANCE AND SING
OTHERS:
POLITICS
BOLEYN:
NOT MY THING
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
BUT THEN I MET THE KING
AND SOON MY DADDY SAID
“YOU SHOULD TRY AND GET AHEAD”
HE WANTED ME, HA! OBVIOUSLY.
KEPT MESSAGING ME LIKE EVERYDAY.
COULDN’T BE BETTER THEN HE SENT ME A LETTER
AND WHO AM I KIDDING I WAS ‘PRET A MANGER’.
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
SENT A REPLY
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
JUST SAYING HI
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
YOU’RE A NICE GUY
I’LL THINK ABOUT IT MAYBE
XO BABY
OTHERS:
UH-OH
BOLEYN:
HERE WE GO
OTHERS:
YOU SENT HIM KISSES?
BOLEYN:
I DIDN’T KNOW I WILL MOVE
IN WITH HIS MISSUS.
OTHERS:
WHAT?
BOLEYN:
GET A LIFE
OTHERS:
YOU’RE LIVING WITH HIS WIFE!
BOLEYN:
LIKE WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID
I’M JUST TRY’NA HAVE SOME FUN.
DON’T WORRY DON’T WORRY, DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE.
L-O-L SAY “OH WELL” OR GO TO HELL.
I’M SORRY, NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID.
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
THREE IN THE BED AND THE LITTLE ONE SAID
“IF YOU WANNA BE WED
ALL:
MAKE UP YOUR MIND”
BOLEYN:
HER OR ME CHUM DON’T WANNA BE
SOME GIRL IN A THREESOME.
ALL:
ARE YOU BLIND?
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
DON’T BE BITTER
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
‘CAUSE I’M FITTER
OTHERS:
OOH HOOH
BOLEYN:
WHY HASN’T IT HIT HER?
HE DOESN’T WANNA BANG YOU,
SOMEBODY HANG YOU.
OTHERS:
UH-OH
BOLEYN:
HERE WE GO
OTHERS:
YOUR COMMENT WENT VIRAL
BOLEYN:
I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN IT
BUT RUMOURS SPIRAL
OTHERS:
WOW ANNE, WAY TO MAKE
THE COUNTRY HATE YOU
BOLEYN:
MATE, WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID
I’M JUST TRY’NA HAVE SOME FUN.
DON’T WORRY DON’T WORRY, DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE.
L-O-L SAY “OH WELL” OR GO TO HELL.
I’M SORRY, NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID.
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
(BOLEYN)
TRIED TO ELOPE
BUT THE POPE SAID “NOPE”.
OUR ONLY HOPE WAS
ALL:
HENRY
BOLEYN:
HE GOT A PROMOTION,
CAUSED A COMMOTION,
SET IN MOTION
ALL:
THE C OF E.
THE RULES
BOLEYN:
WERE SO OUTDATED.
US TWO WANTED TO GET X-RATED.
OTHERS:
SOON
EXCOMMUNICATED
BOLEYN:
EV’RYBODY CHILL,
IT’S TOTES GOD’S WILL.
HOLD UP! LET ME TELL HOW IT WENT DOWN.
HENRY’S OUT
EV’RY NIGHT ON THE TOWN
JUST SLEEPING AROUND LIKE
ALL:
WHAT THE HELL
BOLEYN:
IF THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA BE
MAYBE I’LL FLIRT
WITH A GUY OR THREE JUST TO
ALL:
MAKE HIM JEL
BOLEYN:
HENRY FINDS OUT
AND HE GOES MENTAL
HE SCREAMS AND SHOUTS LIKE
ALL:
SO JUDGEMENTAL
BOLEYN:
“YOU DAMNED WITCH”
BRO, JUST SHUT UP
I WOULDN’T BE SUCH A B…
IF YOU COULD GET IT UP.
OTHERS:
UH-OH
BOLEYN:
HERE WE GO
OTHERS:
IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
BOLEYN:
AND NOW HE’S GOING ROUND
LIKE “OFF WITH HER HEAD!”
OTHERS:
NO!
BOLEYN:
YEAH, I’ PRETTY SURE HE MEANS IT
OTHERS:
SEEMS IT
BOLEYN:
WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
OTHERS:
WHAT WAS SHE MEANT TO DO?
BOLEYN:
LIKE WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
OTHERS:
WHAT WAS SHE MEANT TO DO?
BOLEYN:
NO, BUT WHAT WAS I MEANT TO DO?
OTHERS:
WHAT WAS SHE MEANT TO DO?
BOLEYN: Oh my gosh guys seriously he actually wants to chop my head off! I mean… I guess he just really liked my head. (makes an obscene gest with the mic and:) ¡5, 6, 7, 8!
ALL:
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID
BOLEYN:
I’M JUST TRY’NA HAVE SOME FUN.
ALL:
DON’T WORRY DON’T WORRY, DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD.
BOLEYN:
I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE.
ALL:
L-O-L SAY “OH WELL” OR GO TO HELL.
BOLEYN:
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID
OTHERS:
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT SHE SAID
ALL:
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID
BOLEYN:
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
BOLEYN: Yeah…
#3a – I’m Like Dead (Instrumental & Boleyn)
BOLEYN: …what a weekend, I’m like dead.
HOWARD: Wait, didn’t you actually die?
BOLEYN: Yeah, it was so extra. Anyway yeah, now I’m obvs the winner, I think I’ll do another solo. SO my next song is one I wrote the moment when I found out Catherine of Aragon had tragically died. It’s called ‘Wearing Yellow To A Funeral’. Hit the lights!
BOLEYN:
CATHERINE WAS A MASSIVE…
(The Queens stops her and the band)
CLEVES: ¡Woo, woo, woo! When did we decided you were the winner?
PARR: She wants another turn.
ARAGON: Over my dead body!
SEYMOUR: Yeah, anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s my turn next.
CLEVES: You? Queen please!
(The Queens laugh and start joking)
HOWARD: Yeah, weren’t you ‘the one he truly loved’?
ARAGON: Oh, yeah, didn’t you finally give him the son he so desperately wanted?
BOLEYN: Yeah, like I had a daughter and he literally choped my head off?
SEYMOUR: Okay, yeah, you’re right. I was lucky. Okay, I was really lucky. I was in love. I just had a beautiful baby. Henry was happy ‘cause thank god it was an Edward, not an “Edwina”… I was so exited for his first steps, his first words. For not getting a god night’s sleep for the next three years. But I never got to see any of that. You know, people say Henry was stone-hearted, uncaring. And I’m not sure that he was.
BOLEYN: …what a weekend, I’m like dead.
HOWARD: Wait, didn’t you actually die?
BOLEYN: Yeah, it was so extra. Anyway yeah, now I’m obvs the winner, I think I’ll do another solo. SO my next song is one I wrote the moment when I found out Catherine of Aragon had tragically died. It’s called ‘Wearing Yellow To A Funeral’. Hit the lights!
BOLEYN:
CATHERINE WAS A MASSIVE…
(The Queens stops her and the band)
CLEVES: ¡Woo, woo, woo! When did we decided you were the winner?
PARR: She wants another turn.
ARAGON: Over my dead body!
SEYMOUR: Yeah, anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s my turn next.
CLEVES: You? Queen please!
(The Queens laugh and start joking)
HOWARD: Yeah, weren’t you ‘the one he truly loved’?
ARAGON: Oh, yeah, didn’t you finally give him the son he so desperately wanted?
BOLEYN: Yeah, like I had a daughter and he literally choped my head off?
SEYMOUR: Okay, yeah, you’re right. I was lucky. Okay, I was really lucky. I was in love. I just had a beautiful baby. Henry was happy ‘cause thank god it was an Edward, not an “Edwina”… I was so exited for his first steps, his first words. For not getting a god night’s sleep for the next three years. But I never got to see any of that. You know, people say Henry was stone-hearted, uncaring. And I’m not sure that he was.
#4 – Heart Of Stone (Seymour & Others)
SEYMOUR: But I didn’t do that. Instead, I stood by him, like I was made of stone, I stood firm. No matter his flaws or his tempers – no matter my doubts or fears – I stayed there. By his side. And that’s not beause I was scared, or naive, or weak. It’s because… I loved him.
So… Henry,
SEYMOUR:
YOU'VE GOT A GOOD HEART
BUT I KNOW IT CHANGES.
A RESTLESS TIDE, UNTAMABLE.
YOU CAME MY WAY,
AND I KNEW A STORM COULD COME TOO.
YOU'D LIFT ME HIGH, OR LET ME FALL.
BUT I TOOK YOUR HAND,
PROMISED I'D WITHSTAND
ANY BLAZE YOU BLEW MY WAY.
'CAUSE SOMETHING INSIDE, IT’S SOLIDIFIED,
AND I KNEW I'D ALWAYS STAY.
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP, YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN,
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE.
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST, BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST.
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE.
WHEN THE FIRE'S BURNT,
WHEN THE WIND HAS BLOWN,
WHEN THE WATER'S DRIED,
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE. MY HEART OF STONE.
YOU SAY WE'RE PERFECT, A PERFECT FAMILY.
YOU HOLD US CLOSE, FOR THE WORLD TO SEE.
AND WHEN I SAY ‘YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I'VE EVER LOVED’
I MEAN THOSE WORDS TRUTHFULLY.
BUT I KNOW
WITHOUT MY SON YOUR LOVE COULD DISAPPEAR.
(SEYMOUR)
I KNOW IT ISN'T FAIR, BUT I DON'T CARE
'CAUSE MY LOVE, WILL STILL BE HERE.
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP, YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN,
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE.
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST, BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST.
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE.
WHEN
ALL:
THE FIRE'S BURNT,
THE WIND HAS BLOWN,
THE WATER'S DRIED,
SEYMOUR:
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE.
MY HEART OF STONE.
SOON I'LL HAVE TO GO,
I'LL NEVER SEE HIM GROW.
BUT I HOPE MY SON WILL KNOW
HE'LL NEVER BE ALONE,
'CAUSE LIKE A RIVER RUNS DRY
AND LEAVES IT'S SCARS BEHIND.
I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE
'CAUSE MY LOVE
IS SET IN STONE
YEAH (+Ad Lib.)
OTHERS:
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP, YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN,
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE.
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST, BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST.
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE.
ALL:
THE FIRE'S BURNT,
THE WIND HAS BLOWN,
THE WATER'S DRIED,
SEYMOUR:
YOU'LL STILL FIND STONE.
OOH YEAH…
MY HEART OF
SEYMOUR:
STONE
CAN’T BREAK ME
CAN’T BREAK ME
STONE
CAN’T BREAK ME
CAN’T BREAK ME
STONE
CAN’T BREAK ME
PARR/HOWARD:
STONE
-
-
STONE
-
-
STONE
-
ARAGON/BOLEYN/CLEVES:
YOU CAN BUILD ME UP,
YOU CAN TEAR ME DOWN,
YOU CAN TRY BUT I'M UNBREAKABLE.
YOU CAN DO YOUR BEST,
BUT I'LL STAND THE TEST.
YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M UNSHAKEABLE.
THE FIRE'S BURNT, THE WIND HAS BLOWN,
THE WATER'S DRIED
SEYMOUR:
YOU’LL STILL FIND STONE.
MY HEART OF STONE.
SEYMOUR: Because what hurts more than a broken heart?
BOLEYN: A severed head.
(All queens except CLEVES leave the Stage)
#4a – Pre-Holbein (Instrumental)
CLEVES: Now, seeing as Henry was running out of women to marry in England, he had to look a little further a field. Had to adjust his location settings if you will. To find his next queen, we’re heading to Germany. (The light fades until it is practically dark. The queens enter, wearing a ruff and sunglasses. They help CLEVES to put on her accessories.)
CLEVES: Where he enlisted the help of the legendary painter… Hans…
ALL: (whispering) Holbein.
#5 – Haus Of Holbein (All)
CLEVES:
WELCOME TO THE HAUS…
ALL:
…TO THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
JA!
(The Stage turns into a techno rave. The queens talk and sing with a distinctly german accent.)
ALL:
OOH, JA!
DAS IST GUT, OOH JA!
JA!
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
PARR:
HANS HOLBEIN GOES AROUND THE WORLD
ARAGON:
PAINTING ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS
SEYMOUR:
FROM SPAIN
HOWARD:
TO FRANCE
CLEVES:
AND GERMANY
ALL:
THE KING CHOOSES ONE
BOLEYN:
BUT WHICH ONE WILL IT BE?
ARAGON:
YOU BRING THE CORSETS
BOLEYN:
WE’LL BRING THE CINCHES
CLEVES:
NO ONE WANTS A WAIST OVER
(inhales)
NINE INCHES
SEYMOUR:
SO WHAT, THE MAKEUP CONTAINS LEAD POISON?
HOWARD:
AT LEAST YOUR COMPLEXION WILL BRING ALL THE BOYS IN
ALL:
IGNORE THE FEAR AND YOU’LL BE FINE,
WE’LL TURN THIS VIER INTO A NINE.
SO JUST SAY “JA” AND DON’T SAY “NEIN”
‘CAUSE NOW YOU’RE IN THE HAUS
IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
JA! OOH JA!
DAS IST GUT
OOH JA! JA!
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
BOLEYN:
WE MUST MAKE SURE THE PRINCESSES LOOK GREAT
WHEN THEIR TIME COME FOR A HOLBEIN PORTRAIT
ARAGON:
WE KNOW WHAT ALL THE BEST INVENTIONS
ARE TO HOLD EV’RYTHING UP
HOWARD:
JA, IS WUNDERBAR!
SEYMOUR:
FOR BLONDER HAIR THEN YOU JUST ADD
A MAGICAL INGREDIENT (FROM YOUR BLADDER)
PARR:
TRY THESE HEELS, SO HIGHT IT’S NAUGHTY
SEYMOUR:
(Brittish accent, like small print)
BUT WE CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT YOU’LL STILL WALK AT FORTY
ALL:
IGNORE THE FEAR AND YOU’LL BE FINE,
WE’LL TURN THIS VIER INTO A NINE.
(ALL)
SO JUST SAY “JA” AND DON’T SAY “NEIN”
‘CAUSE NOW YOU’RE IN THE HAUS
IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
OOH JA!
DAS IST GUT
OOH JA! JA!
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
ARAGON: The time has come for you to select a bride, your highness
HOWARD: May we present Christina of Denmark:
(PARR becomes Christina of Denmark and takes center screen)
SEYMOUR: Looking for mates, date, and a British monarch with whom to secure the line of succession. “Winky face”. (PARR moves to right hand screen, the bad one)
BOLEYN: ¿Nein? Well never mind, she has already made a match with the Duke of Milan anyhow.
CLEVES: Ok. Next!
(Now is HOWARD who asumes the role of Amalia of Cleves, taking center screen)
BOLEYN: Your highness, may ve prezent Amalia of Cleves. Just a German girl trying to live the English Dream.
PARR: #NoCatholics #DigDowry
(HOWARD moves to right hand screen, the bad one, too)
PARR: ¿Nein? Ok, alles klar.
ARAGON: Who’s next?
(CLEVES takes, as herself, center screen)
BOLEYN: Ah! Fantastisch!
HOWARD: ¡Wunderbar!
SEYMOUR: Super kool!
ARAGON: Your highness, your highness, your highness: we are honoured to present you Anna of Cleves.
BOLEYN: The most beautiful woman in the whole of the Holy Roman Empire.
PARR: And let me assure you, Herr Holbein has certainly done her justice.
(CLEVES moves to left hand screen, the good one)
ARAGON: Ah! Sehr Gut! And I think we can say with some certainty you will be happily
married for many years to come.
HOWARD: Ah, I can see it now! Henry VIII and his famous four wives!
SEYMOUR: Oh please, no need to thank us,
THE PLEASURE HAS BEEN OURS…
ALL:
…IN THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN!
(All Queens, except CLEVES, leave the stage. PARR is the last, who stops to say:)
PARR:
THE HAUS OF HOLBEIN
(PARR leaves. CLEVES is alone, under a dim spotlight.)
#6 – Get Down (Cleves & Others)
CLEVES: So I guess already know what happened next. How I came to England hopeful, summoned after the king saw my portrait. And how I, with my meager looks the way they are, didn’t live up to his expectations. I mean, it’s the usual story, isn’t it? The savvy educated youg princess deemed repulsive by the wrinkled, wheezing, ulcer-riddled man twenty-four years her senior.
(The Queens re-enter.)
CLEVES: Rejection! Rejection from a king! I mean, how can anyone overcome the fate as devastating as being forced to move into a respendent palace in Richmond with more money that I could ever spend in a lifetime? And not a single man around to tell me what to do with it. I mean, seriously, it’s just… tragic.
CLEVES:
SITTING HERE ALL ALONE, ON A THRONE,
IN A PALACE THAT I HAPPEN TO OWN.
BRING ME SOME PHEASANT,
KEEP IT ON THE BONE.
FILL MY GOBLET UP TO THE BRIM,
SIPPING ON MEAD,
AND I SPILL IT ON MY DRESS WITH THE GOLDLACE TRIM.
NOT VERY PRIM AND PROPER, CAN’T MAKE ME STOP.
I WANNA GO HUNTING, ANY TAKERS?
I’M NOT FAKE ‘CAUSE I GOT ACRES AND ACRES
PAID FOR WITH MY OWN RICHES.
WHERE MY HOUNDS AT? RELEASE THE BITCHES!
OTHERS:
WOOF
CLEVES:
EV’RY DAY.
HEAD BACK FOR A ROUND OF CROQUET (YA)
‘CAUSE I’M A PLAYER
AND TOMORROW I’LL HIT REPLAY
ALL:
YOU
CLEVES:
YOU SAID THAT I TRICKED YA
ALL:
‘CAUSE I
CLEVES:
I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE MY PROFILE PICTURE
ALL:
TOO
CLEVES:
TOO BAD I DON’T AGREE
SO I’M GONNA HANG IT UP
FOR EV’RYONE TO SEE
AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME ‘CAUSE
(CLEVES)
I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
‘CAUSE I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE!
WHEN I GET BORED, I GO TO COURT
PULL UP OUTSIDE IN MY CARRIAGE
DON’T GOT NO MARRIAGE
SO I HAVE A LITTLE FLIRT WITH THE FOOT MAN
AS HE TAKES MY FURR
(gasp)
AS YOU WERE
MAKING MY WAY TO THE DANCE FLOOR
SOME BOYS MAKE AN ADVANDE, I IGNORE THEM
‘CAUSE MY JAM COMES ON THE LUTE
LOOKING CUTE
ALL:
DAS IST GUT
CLEVES:
ALL EYES ON ME
ALL:
NO CRITICISM
CLEVES:
I LOOK MORE RAD THAN
ALL:
LUTHERANISM
CLEVES:
DANCE SO HARD THAT I’M CAUSING A SENSATION
OKAY LADIES, LET’S GET IN REFORMATION
ALL:
YOU
CLEVES:
YOU SAID THAT I TRICKED YA
ALL:
‘CAUSE I
CLEVES:
I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE MY PROFILE PICTURE
ALL:
TOO
CLEVES:
TOO BAD I DON’T AGREE
SO I’M GONNA HANG IT UP
FOR EV’RYONE TO SEE
AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME ‘CAUSE
I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
‘CAUSE I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE!
NOW I AIN’T SAYING I’M A GOLD DIGGER
BUT CHECK MY PRENUP, AND GO FIGURE
GOT
ALL:
GOLD CHAINS
CLEVES:
SYMBOLIC TO MY FAITH TO THE HIGHER POWER IN THE
ALL:
FIRST LANE
CLEVES:
MY HORSES CAN RUN UP TO TWELVE MILES AN HOUR.
LET ME EXPLAIN, I’M A WEINERSCHITZEL
NOT AND ENGLISH FLOWER.
NO ONE TELLS ME I NEED A RICHMAN
DOING MY THING IN MY PALACE IN RICHMOND.
ALL:
YOU
YOU SAID THAT I TRICKED YA
SEYMOUR & HOWARD:
TRICKED YA
ALL:
‘CAUSE I
I DIDN’T LOOK LIKE MY PROFILE PICTURE
TOO
TOO BAD I DON’T AGREE
SO I’M GONNA HANG IT UP
FOR EV’RYONE TO SEE
AND YOU CAN’T. STOP.
YOU CAN’T STOP ME ‘CAUSE
CLEVES:
I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCALS
ALL (+ CLEVES Ad Libs.):
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
GET DOWN
CLEVES:
‘CAUSE I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE!
#6a – After Get Down (Instrumental)
CLEVES: Yeah, it was really heartbreaking.
ARAGON: Uh, that doesn’t sound difficult at all
CLEVES: Oh yeah, I guess you’re right. I probably won’t win then… Oh well, back to the
palace!
BOLEYN: So now there’s one horse out of the race.
CLEVES: Rude.
BOLEYN: Let’s take a moment to check back in with the competition.
(BOLEYN clicks at the band to start)
BOLEYN: So, who’s still in the running? Will it be the devoted wife, the divorcee, or the one who actually had problems to deal with?
SEYMOUR: ¿Problems? (clicks at the band to cut off) My son had to deal with the loss of his mother.
BOLEYN: Oh yeah. Kinda like how my body had to deal with the loss of its head.
ARAGON: Queens, queens! Come on now. Can’t you see whats happening? Comparing your losses isn’t going to change the fact that I’ve already won. I mean, I was literally shipped over from a foreing country, not knowing a word of English, to marry some random dude.
CLEVES: Oh my God, same!
ARAGON: No! Okay! But then, when Henry decided he had enough of me, he didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye!
HOWARD: Same!
BOLEYN: Yeah, same! Nice neck, by the way.
(HOWARD and BOLEYN high five.)
ARAGON: Alright. Fine. How about this: when my one and only child had a raging fever, Henry didn’t let me –her mother!– see her…
SEYMOUR: (crazy) Oh, boo-hoo! Baby Mary had the chickenpox and you didn’t get to hold her hand! You know, it’s funny because when I wanted to hold my newborn son, I died!
(SEYMOUR gathers himself and pretends nothing happens)
CLEVES: Guys, I have the plague!
(They all quickly pass to get worried about CLEVES)
CLEVES: LOL, i’m just kidding. My life’s amazing.
PARR: Okay! You know what, I think it’s time we hear from our next queen: K Howard.
BOLEYN: Um… Who’s that again?
ARAGON: Oh, umm, I think she was the least relevant Katherine.
BOLEYN: Ohh, yeah, yeaah… Now I still don’t care.
HOWARD: Oh, haha. Funny.
ARAGON: Yeah speaking of funny, good look trying to compete with us, honey!
HOWARD: You’re right, you’re right. I’m going to need all the luck I can get. Your lives sounded terrible… and your songs. Really helped to convey that. I mean, Catherine. Almost moving to a nunnery, and then not… that “almost” could’ve been really hard for you. And Anne! Getting your head chopped off, surely that means you’ll win the competition… Oh wait… Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded… Oh, nevermind. And Jane… Dying of natural causes… When will justice be served?! And surviving. But seriously, Anna, all jokes aside, getting rejected for your looks legit sounds really rough. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I mean, look at me, I’m really hot… So yeah, I can’t even begin to think of how I compete with you all… Oh wait, like this.
#7 – All You Wanna Do (Howard & Others)
OTHERS:
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY
HOWARD: I think we can all agree I’m the ten amongst these threes.
OTHERS:
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY
HOWARD: And ever since I was a child I’d make the boys go wild.
OTHERS:
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABY
HOWARD: Take my first music teacher, Henry Mannox.
HOWARD:
I WAS YOUNG, IT’S TRUE
BUT EVEN THEN I KNEW
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS
*KISS* AHH
BROAD, DARK, SEXY MANNOX
TAUGH ME ALL ABOUT DYNAMICS.
HE WAS TWENTY-THREE
AND I WAS THIRTEEN GOING ON THIRTY.
WE SPENT HOURS STRUMMING THE LUTE
STRICKING THE CHORDS AND BLOWING THE FLUTE.
HE PLUCKED MY STRINGS ALL THE WAY TO G,
WENT FROM MAJOR TO MINOR, C TO D.
TELL ME, WHAT YOU NEED
WHAT YOU WANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO PLEAD
‘CAUSE I FEEL THE CHEMISTRY
LIKE I GET YOU AND YOU GET ME.
AND MAYBE THIS IS IT,
HE JUST CARES SO MUCH IT FEELS LEGIT.
WE HAVE A CONNECTION,
I THINK THIS GUY IS DIFFERENT ‘CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
TOUCH ME, LOVE ME, CAN’T GET ENOUGH, SEE.
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
PLEASE ME, SQUEEZE ME, BIRDS AND THE BEES ME.
RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR,
TELL ME I’M THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR.
ALL:
PLAYTIME’S OVER
HOWARD:
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS
*KISS* AHH
HOWARD: Then there was another guy, Frances. And at the time, I was living at my StepGrandma’s house. He was working for her –working so hard. So he asked me to be his little piece of ass… istant.
HOWARD:
SERIOUS, STERN AND SLOW,
GETS WHAT HE WANTS AND HE WON’T TAKE NO.
PASSION IN ALL THAT HE TOUCHES,
THE SEXY SECRETARY TO THE DOWAGER DUCHESS.
HELPED HIM IN HIS OFFICE, HAD A DUTY TO FULFILL.
HE EVEN LET ME USE HIS FAVOURITE QUILL.
SPILLED INK ALL OVER THE PARCHMENT, MY WRIST WAS SO TIRED.
STILL I CAME BACK THE NEXT DAY AS HE REQUIRED.
YOU SAY I’M WHAT YOU NEED,
ALL YOU WANT, YOU DON’T NEED TO PLEAD
I FEEL THE CHEMISTRY
I GET YOU AND YOU GET ME.
AND I KNOW THIS IS IT,
HE JUST CARES SO MUCH THIS ONE’S LEGIT.
WE HAVE A CONNECTION,
I’M SURE THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT ‘CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
TOUCH ME, LOVE ME, CAN’T GET ENOUGH, SEE.
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
PLEASE ME, SQUEEZE ME, BIRDS AND THE BEES ME.
YOU CAN’T WAIT A SECOND MORE
TO GET MY CORSET ON THE FLOOR.
ALL:
PLAYTIME’S OVER
HOWARD:
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS
*KISS* AHH
HOWARD: So yeah, that didn’t work out. It turns out some guys just employ women to get them into their private chambers. (sigh) It was a different time back then. So, I decided to have a break from boys. Just focus on my career. Then my dad got me this amazing work placement in court. And you’ll never guess who I met.
HOWARD:
TALL, LARGE, HENRY THE EIGHTH,
SUPREME HEAD OF THE CHURCH ON ENGLAND.
GLOBALY REVERED
ALTHOUGH YOU WOULDN’T KNOW IT FROM THE LOOK OF THAT BEARD.
MADE ME A LADY IN WAITING,
HURLED ME AND MY FAMILY UP IN THE WORLD.
GAVE ME DUTIES IN COURT AND HE SWEARS IT’S TRUE
THAT WITHOUT ME HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’D DO!
YOU SAY I’M ALL YOU NEED,
ALL YOU WANT, WE BOTH AGREE.
THIS IS THE PLACE FOR ME,
I’M FIN’LLY WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE.
THEN HE STARTS SAYING ALL THIS STUFF,
HE “CARES SO MUCH”, HE CALLS ME LOVE.
HE SAIS WE HAVE THIS “CONNECTION”,
I GUESS IT’S NOT SO DIFFERENT ‘CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
TOUCH ME, LOVE ME, CAN’T GET ENOUGH, SEE.
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
PLEASE ME, SQUEEZE ME, BIRDS AND THE BEES ME.
THERE’S NO TIME FOR WHEN OR HOW
‘CAUSE YOU JUST GOT TO HAVE ME NOW.
ALL:
PLAYTIME’S OVER
HOWARD:
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS
*KISS* AHH
HOWARD: So we got married… Woo!...
HOWARD:
WITH HENRY IT ISN’T EASY,
HIS TEMPER’S SHORT AND HIS FRIENDS ARE SLEAZY.
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE COURTIER,
HE’S A REALLY NICE GUY, JUST SO SINCERE.
(HOWARD)
THE ROYAL LIFE ISN’T WHAT I PLANNED,
BUT THOMAS IS THERE TO LEND A HELPING HAND.
SO SWEET, MAKE SURE THAT I’M OKAY,
AND WE HANG OUT LOAD WHEN THE KING’S WAY.
THIS GUY, FINALLY,
IS WHAT I WANT, THE FRIEND I NEED.
JUST FRIENDS, NO CHEMISTRY,
I GET HIM AND HE GETS ME.
AND THERE’S NOTHING MORE TO IT
HE JUST CARES SO MUCH HE’S DEVOTED.
HE SAID WE HAVE A CONNECTION…
I THOUGH THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT.
WHY DID I THINK HE’D BE DIFFERENT?
BUT IT’S NEVER EVER DIFFERENT ‘CAUSE
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
TOUCH ME, WHEN WILL ENOUGH BE ENOUGH, SEE.
ALL YOU WANNA DO
ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
SQUEEZE ME, DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T PLEASE ME.
BITE MY LIP AND PULL MY HAIR
AS YOU TELL ME I’M THE FAIREST OF THE FAIR.
ALL:
PLAYTIME’S OVER
PLAYTIME’S OVER
PLAYTIME’S OVER
HOWARD:
THE ONLY THING
THE ONLY THING
(All the queens except HOWARD leave the stage.)
HOWARD:
THE ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO IS
*KISS* AHH
HOWARD: And then I was beheaded. Wow. I know, I know. So I guess, seeing as I’ve now won the competition… (makes a gest to the band and:)
#7a – After All You Wanna Do (Instrumental)
HOWARD: All I wanna do is to take this opportunity to recognize all the poweful men who
got me where I am today. Couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you, _________! Good
night!
(All queens fastly re-enters interrupting HOWARD and the band)
SEYMOUR: Wait, wait, wait! Okay, hold up! Yeah, you had it bad, but that was not the most heartwrenching song we’ve heard this evening.
HOWARD: Um, I’m sorry. Were you not listening to my song? There were four choruses.
That’s how much–
ALL:
SHH
HOWARD: –I had to deal with.
SEYMOUR: Yeah, sorry. It’s so true. When you died, your son did have to grow up without a moth… Ooh wait, that was me and no one cared when you died!
BOLEYN: Jane! Chill out! It’s not her fault no one remembers her bland and uneventful life. Babes, honestly, I don’t want it to be weird between us just ‘cause my beheading has the actual
result of years of trauma and humiliation, and yours–
ARAGON: Oh, pipe down, Anne! You seriously wanna talk about humiliation? Okay well. When I was queen Henry had not one… Not two… But three historically confirmed mistresses.
BOLEYN: Oh my god, mistresses… y– GET OVER IT! When I was queen I had not one… Not two... But three…! Miscarriages!
ARAGON: Oh, you know what, Anne Bo-loser? I had… five miscarriages! Someone hold me back!
(The Queens try to calm down both of them)
CLEVES: Okay. Let’s just move on, shall we queens? Catherine, it’s jour turn babe. Hit it!
(clicks at the band)
PARR: You know what I’m good. Yeah, I just… I can’t keep doing this.
BOLEYN: (laughs hysterically) WHAT?!!
PARR: Sorry… Sorry for– It’s just… (the light hits her) Woah, woah, hey! Could we turn off the uhh– (reffering to the lights) Thank you. Look, I don’t know. It’s just like we’re here, in front of there people, jus being like: ooh, let’s see what gets the bigest cheer, trauma or abuse! Wooh! Should we really be doing this?
SEYMOUR: I mean, we’ve literally been doing that for the last hour, so…
PARR: I know, but… Miscarriages. Really? Isn’t that a bit…
(The Queens start making fun of her)
CLEVES: Ooh, someone has conscience all of a sudden.
HOWARD: ‘Ohh, I’m Catherine Parr, I draw the line in arbitrary places, blah blah blah’.
ARAGON: You know what, queens? She just knows she’s not gonna win.
SEYMOUR: So she’s just trying to make us look stupid instead of playing by the rules like
everyone else.
PARR: No, no that’s so–
(The queens start to clap her ironically)
PARR: Okay, okay, okay! You know what, queens? If it’s a sob story you want, I will give you one.
HOWARD: Are you sure, Catherine? Are you sure you don’t wanna stick to backing vocals? You know, where you belong?
PARR: No, no. You’re right, I should sing a song. It’s only fair. Go on queens, take a sit. Go
on. (to the band) Hey everyone, is it okay if we try something a little bit different tonight? (to the lights) Hey! Hi, could I get that beautiful light back? (the light hits her) Thank you. (to the pianist) And Joan, could you give me a cute little B flat major 7?
#8 – I Don’t Need Your Love (Parr & Others)
PARR: Perfect. So, just for a bit of context: I’ve actually had my fair share of marriages. Something Henry and I have in common… I guess. Though, unlike him, I did manage to get trough that without decapitating anyone. I know, gold star for Cathy Parr.
(PARR) But the thing is they had this really annoying habit of passing away. So i was dealing with, you know, incapacitating grief and also had to keep finding new husbands to avoid being ostracised. Yeah, Tudor womanhood. Would recommend. And then, one day, finally I meet this guy, Thomas. He seemed like he might stick around for a while. And you guessed it, he turned out to be the love of my live. I know right? We had this plan to get married, actually. That’s when Henry turned up, single and ready to make an unsuspecting woman his wife. Just my luck. So that was that. I had to write a letter to Thomas, ending things. Dear Tom…
PARR:
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU BOY
IN EV’RY SINGLE WAY.
THOUGH I LOVE YOU BOY,
I’LL MISS YOU EV’RY DAY.
OH I LOVE YOU BOY,
I WISH THAT I COULD STAY WITH YOU
AND KEEP THE LIFE I MADE WITH YOU.
AND EVEN THOUGH THIS FEELS SO RIGHT
I’M HOLDING BACK THE TEARS TONIGHT.
IT’S TRUE, I’LL NEVER BE OVER YOU
‘CAUSE I HAVE BUILT A FUTURE IN MY MIND WITH YOU.
AND NOW THE HOPE IS GONE,
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME TO DO.
YOU KNOW IT ISN’T TRUE,
BUT I MUST SAY TO YOU
THAT I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
IT’LL NEVER BE BETTER THAN IT WAS, NO, NO.
BUT I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
I’VE GOT NO CHOISE,
WITH THE KING I STAY ALIVE.
NEVER HAD A CHOISE,
BEEN A WIFE TWICE BEFORE JUST TO SURVIVE.
I DON’T HAVE A CHOISE.
IF HENRY SAYS IT’S YOU THEN IT’S YOU,
NO MATTER WHAT I FEEL, IT’S WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
BUT IF SOMEHOW I HAD THAT CHOICE,
NO HOLDING BACK I’D RAISE MY VOICE.
I’D SAY: HENRY YEAH IT’S TRUE, I’LL NEVER BELONG TO YOU
‘CAUSE I AM NOT YOUR TOY TO ENJOY ‘TIL THERE’S SOMETHING NEW.
(PARR)
AS IF I’M GONNA GIVE UP MY BOY, MY WORK,
MY DREAMS TO CARE FOR YOU.
DARLING, GET A CLUE,
THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
NO I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO DISCUSS, NO, NO.
‘CAUSE I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
PARR: But the thing is, I can’t say that. Not to the king. So this is goodbye. All my love, Catherine.
PARR:
SO I SENT THAT LETTER TO MY LOVE,
GOT MARRIED TO THE KING,
BECAME THE ONE WHO SURVIVED.
I’VE TOLD YOU ABOUT MY LIFE, THE FINAL WIFE.
BUT WHY SHOULD THAT STORY BE THE ONE
I HAVE TO SING ABOUT JUST TO WIN?
I’M OUT!
THAT’S NOT MY STORY, THERE’S SO MUCH MORE
REMEMBER THAT I WAS A WRITER,
I WROTE BOOKS AND PSALMS AND MEDITATIONS.
FOUGHT FOR FEMALE EDUCATION
SO ALL MY WOMEN COULD INDEPENDENTLY STUDY SCRIPTURE.
I EVEN GOT A WOMAN TO PAINT MY PICTURE.
WHY CAN’T I TELL THAT STORY, ‘CAUSE IN HIS STORY
I’M FIXED AS ONE OF SIX.
AND WITHOUT HIM I DISAPPEAR.
WE ALL DISAPPEAR.
BOLEYN: Wait, I don’t get it.
PARR: Okay, look. Why does anyone know who we are?
BOLEYN: My sixth finger?
ARAGON: Put it away, babe!
PARR: Okay, let me put it in a different way. Who was Henry VII’s wife?
BOLEYN: I don’t know.
PARR: Anyone?
THE REST: I don’t know.
PARR: Okay, and who was Henry VI’s wife?
THE REST: I don’t know.
PARR: And Henry V’s wife?
ALL: We don’t know.
HOWARD: Catherine de Valois– I mean, we don’t know.
PARR: The point is, the only reason these people have come here tonight is because once upon a time–
ARAGON: –the same guy fell in love with us.
PARR: Right.
HOWARD: Wait… but isn’t there a bigger problem here?
ARAGON: The dissolution of the monasteries?
HOWARD: No. I’m talking about us, ‘cause as soon as we get together as a group–
BOLEYN: Everyone notices Jane can’t dance!
HOWARD: That’s exactly what I’m talking about! We compare ourselves. And when we’re the six wives of Henry VIII, we each become just that.
ARAGON: One of his wives.
PARR: One of…
ALL:
SIX
BOLEYN: Oh my God, I get it! Since the only thing we have in common is our husband, grouping us is an inherently comparative act and as such unnecessarily elevates a historical approach ingrained in patriarchal structures. I read.
PARR: So basically, we’re stuck.
SEYMOUR: What a waste of time.
ARAGON: Like I said, there’s no much we can do about it now.
HOWARD: You know what?
CLEVES: What?
HOWARD: I wish that like, before we spent the whole show competing we’d realice it would turn out to be such a mess.
PARR: Yeah, ‘cause if we had realized then we could’ve done something else, like maybe a fake competition to show everyone how messed up comparing us is.
ARAGON: Then we could have done something else of some cool way to like– I don’t know… reclaim our stories or like all becoming the leading ladies… blah blah blah…
BOLEYN: Aww, we could’ve done that as a song!
SEYMOUR: That would really tied everything together so neatly!
CLEVES: If only we though of that before…
PARR:
THIS IS THE
ALL:
REMIX!
ARAGON:
SO WE HAD NO CHOISE
BOLEYN:
BUT NOW IT’S US ALONE
SEYMOUR:
SO WE’VE GOT NO CHOISE
CLEVES:
NO WE’VE GOT NO CHOISE
HOWARD:
WE’RE TAKING THE MICROPHONE
PARR:
I’M GONNA RAISE MY VOICE
ALL:
THEY ALWAYS SAID WE NEED YOUR LOVE
BUT IT’S TIME FOR US TO RISE ABOVE.
IT’S NOT WHAT WENT DOWN IN HISTORY,
BUT TONIGHT I’M SINGING THIS FOM ME.
HENRY, YEAH, I’M THROUGH TOO MANY TIMES IT’S BEEN TOLD.
AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, LOVE STORIES SOON GET OLD.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK IT’S THOUGH
BUT I’VE GOT TO LET YOUR LOVE RUN COLD.
WE’RE TAKING BACK CONTROL,
YOU NEED TO KNOW
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
NO I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
CAN’T LET IT GET THE BETTER OF US, NO, NO.
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE
PARR:
Riffs ad lib.
BOLEYN/SEYMOUR/HOWARD:
NO, NO
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE
NO, NO
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE
NO, NO
I DON’T NEED YOUR
ARAGON/CLEVES:
NO, NO, NO I DON’T. NO, I DON’T NEED IT.
NO, NO, NO I DON’T. NO, I DON’T NEED IT.
NO, NO, NO I DON’T. NO, I DON’T NEED IT.
ALL (+ PARR ad lib.):
LOVE
PARR:
WE DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE
#8a – Pre-SIX Bams (Instrumental)
PARR: _________, we have a voice. We said, we have a
VOICE!
CLEVES: And you know what? We might just be remembered by being married to the same man…
ARAGON: But why does anyone give a–
ALL:
SHH
ARAGON: –who he is?
BOLEYN: His continental campaigning?
SEYMOUR: His religious reforms?
ARAGON: Well, actually–
HOWARD: Now it’s not time, Catherine.
PARR: Or do you think it might be, I don’t know, ‘cause of his–
ALL:
SIX WIVES
HOWARD: So, _________, before we go, what do you think, are you ready for a royal happy ever after? (Audience reaction)
HOWARD: (serious) Well, we don’t have one.
SEYMOUR: We wish we could tell you our lives had happy endings.
CLEVES: But in reality, they didn’t.
PARR: And there’s nothing we can do to change that.
BOLEYN: Ever.
(They start to leave the stage, but:)
BOLEYN: Oh, wait! This is our show and we can literally have whatever ending we want.
HOWARD: So, _________, seeing as there’s five minutes left of the show–
CLEVES: –we’vedecided to give you our own–
SEYMOUR: –slightly edited version–
CLEVES: –of what actually went down all those years ago.
PARR: ‘Cause, after all…
#9 – Six (All)
PARR:
WE’RE ONE OF A KIND
HOWARD:
NO CATEGORY
CLEVES:
TWO MANY YEARS
SEYMOUR:
LOST IN HIS STORY
BOLEYN:
WE’RE FREE
ARAGON:
TO TAKE OUR CROWN IN GLORY
ALL:
FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES…
WE’RE SIX
ARAGON:
HE GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEE, BUT I SAID “NO WAY”
PACKED MY BAGS AND MOVED IN TO A N-N-NUNNERY.
JOINED THE GOSPEL CHOIR, OUR RIFFS WERE ON FIRE.
AT THE TOP OF THE CHURCH IS WHERE I’M GONNA STAY.
BOLEYN:
HENRY SENT ME A POEM ALL ABOUT MY GREENSLEEVES.
I CHANGED A COUPLE WORDS, PUT IT ON A SICK BEAT.
THE SONG BLEW THEIR MINDS, NEXT MINUTE I WAS SIGNED,
AND NOW I’M WRITING LYRICS FOR SHAKESY P.
SEYMOUR:
SINCE MY FIRST SON MY FAMILY’S GROWN,
WE MADE A BAND AND GOT QUITE WELL KNOWN.
YOU COULD PERHABS CALL US THE TUDOR VON TRAPPS.
Only kidding.
WE’RE CALLED THE ROYALLING STONES.
ALL:
WE’RE ONE OF A KIND, NO CATEGORY.
TWO MANY YEARS LOST IN HIS STORY.
WE’RE FREE TO TAKE OUR CROWN IN GLORY.
FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES WE’RE SIX.
CLEVES:
WHAT A SHAME THAT MY FACE IT COST ME THE CROWN.
SO I MOVED TO THE
ALL:
HAUS OF HOLBEIN
CLEVES:
IN MY HOMETOWN.
HIS MATES WERE SUPER ARTY, BUT I SHOWED THEM HOW TO PARTY.
NOW, ON MY TOUR OF PRUSSIA, EV’RYBODY GETS DOWN.
HOWARD:
MUSIC MAN TRIED ON AND I WAS LIKE “BYE”.
SO I THOUGH “WHO NEEDS HIM? I CAN GIVE IT A TRY!”
I LEARNED EVERYTHING, NOW ALL I DO IS SING
AND I’LL DO THAT UNTIL I DIE.
PARR:
HEARD ALL ABOUT THESE ROCKIN’ CHICKS,
LOVED EV’RY SONG AND EACH REMIX.
SO I WENT OUT AND FOUND THEM AND WHE LAID DOWN AN ALBUM.
NOW I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, ALL I NEED IS SIX.
ALL:
WE’RE ONE OF A KIND, NO CATEGORY.
TWO MANY YEARS LOST IN HIS STORY.
WE’RE FREE TO TAKE OUR CROWN IN GLORY.
FOR FIVE MORE MINUTES WE’RE SIX.
WOAH WOAH WE’RE SIX
WOAH OH OH WE’RE SIX
WOAH WOAH WE’RE SIX
FOR FOUR MORE MINUTES
IT’S THE END OF THE SHOW, OF THE HISTO-REMIX.
WE SWITCHED UP THE FLOW AND WE CHANGED THE PREFIX.
EV’RYBODY KNOWS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES.
BUT WE WANT TO SAY BEFORE WE DROP THE CURTAIN:
NOTHING IS FOR SURE, NOTHING IS FOR CERTAIN.
ALL THAT WE KNOW IS THAT WE USED TO BE SIX WIVES…
BUT NOW
WE’RE ONE OF A KIND, NO CATEGORY.
TWO MANY YEARS LOST IN HIS STORY.
WE’RE FREE TO TAKE OUR CROWN IN GLORY.
FOR THREE MORE MINUTES
WE’RE ONE OF A KIND, NO CATEGORY.
TWO MANY YEARS LOST IN HIS STORY.
WE’RE FREE TO TAKE OUR CROWN IN GLORY.
FOR TWO MORE MINUTES WE’RE SIX.
WOAH WOAH WE’RE SIX
WOAH OH OH WE’RE SIX
WOAH WOAH WE’RE SIX
FOR FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO ONE MORE MINUTE…
WE’RE SIX.
(The queens take their bow. Go to the band and points them. Return to proscenium and:)
HOWARD: _________! Do you want one more song?
(Audience reaction)
HOWARD: Maria, hit it!
#10 – Megasix (All)
ARAGON: Stay on your feet, _________!
CLEVES: I wanna see ev’rybody clap your hands!
PARR: But most importantly, get ready to dance!
BOLEYN: Make some noise for Maggie! (Guitar solo)
CLEVES: Big ups for Bessie! (Bass solo)
SEYMOUR: And show some love for Joan! (Keys solo)
ARAGON: And Señorita Maria! (Drums solo)
ALL:
ARE YOU READY?
_________, HERE WE GO!
ARAGON:
YOU MUST THINK THAT I’M CRAZY
YOU WANNA REPLACE ME, BABY THERE’S
ALL:
N-N-N-N-N-N-NO WAY
ARAGON:
IF YOU THOUGH YOU CAN LEAVE ME
YOU MUST THINK I’M NAIVE, PLEASE BELIEVE ME THERE’S
ALL:
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NOT SORRY
BOLEYN:
SORRY NOT SORRY ‘BOUT WHAT I SAID
I’M JUST TRY’NA HAVE SOME FUN
ARAGON:
N-N-NO WAY!
BOLEYN:
DON’T WORRY, DON’T WORRY, DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE.
SEYMOUR:
YOU CAN
BOLEYN:
L O L
SEYMOUR:
YOU CAN
BOLEYN:
SAY “OH WELL”
SEYMOUR:
YOU CAN TRY BUT I’M UNBREAKABLE
HOWARD:
ALL YOU WANNA
ALL:
DO YOUR BEST, BUT I’LL STAND THE TEST
YOU’LL FIND THAT I’VE
SEYMOUR:
GOT A HEART OF
ALL:
STONE
CLEVES:
ALL ALONE, ON A THRONE, IN A PALACE THAT I HAPPEN TO OWN
HOWARD:
ONLY THING YOU WANNA DO
CLEVES:
TOO BAD I DON’T AGREE ‘CAUSE
I’M THE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE
GET DOWN YOU DIRTY RASCAL-AL
HOWARD:
ALL YOU WANNA DO ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
SING ALONG TO YOUR FAVOURITE QUEEN SONG.
ALL YOU WANNA DO ALL YOU WANNA DO, BABE, IS
LOVE ME, LOVE,
L-L-L-L
(+PARR)
L-L-L-L
PARR:
LOVE, NO, NO.
I DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE, NO, NO.
IT’S TIME TO RISE ABOVE, WOAH, WOAH.
ALL:
WE DON’T NEED YOUR LOVE
‘CAUSE WE’RE SO MUCH MORE THAN
ARAGON:
DIVORCED
BOLEYN:
BEHEADED
SEYMOUR:
DIED
CLEVES:
DIVORCED
HOWARD:
BEHEADED
PARR:
SURVIVED
ALL:
WE’RE
SIX!
Last Update:August, 06th 2024